SCENES

SITCOM: Gourmet food (talking at cross purposes)

Trixie: But it's from Italy.

Customer: It's a sausage.

Trixie: An imported sausage.

Customer: You mean, a high-priced sausage.

Trixie: Buy it for a special occasion.

Customer: What kind of special occasion requires a sausage?

Trixie: Uh....

Customer: Please. Don't answer that.

Trixie: What about a nice cheese?

Customer: I'm lactose-intolerant.

Trixie: What? Why you should be ashamed!

Customer: Of what?

Trixie: Of being intolerant.

Customer: Of lactose?

Trixie: Yes. Why should Lacts' toes be any worse than anyone else's?

Customer: Lacts? There's no such things as Lacts.

Trixie: Of course there is. I saw a National Geographic special on them once. They live up north and ride around on reindeers' backs.

Customer: That's Lapps.

Trixie: Reindeer don't have laps.

Customer: The people. The people who live up north.

Trixie: The people? Well of course they do. Of course the Lacts have laps.

Customer: There's no such thing as Lacts!

Trixie: Oh yeah? Then how come you hate their toes?

Customer: I don't hate their toes, or their armpits, or their earlobes. I can't hate them because they don't exist. I'm talking about milk.

Trixie: Milk? You mean reindeer milk?

Customer: Any milk. Dairy products. I can't handle dairy.

Trixie: Wow. I'm so sorry.

Customer: Don't worry about it.

Trixie: So are you in MA?

Customer: MA?

Trixie: Milkaholics Anonymous.

Customer: Presuming there is such a thing - which I'm going to take a wild guess there isn't - why would I be in it?

Trixie: People who can't handle alcohol go to AA. You can't handle milk. So wouldn't you go to MA?

Customer: I think I better get going.

Trixie: Oh no you don't. You haven't bought anything yet. Anyway, what's your hurry?

Customer: I've got ... uh... Oh, I've got to get to my MA meeting.

Trixie: Oh. Sorry. Can't be late to that.

Customer: Right. You know how it is. One day at a time.

Trixie: I understand. Anyway, think about that sausage, OK?

Customer: Right. I'll be sure to do that.

Trixie: Unless you're sausage-intolerant, too.

Customer: You know, I just may be.

This scene has been taken out of rotation - see the Chez Jim "TV TYPE" Scenes for Two People page for others.